Charles Frederick Tolbert

Christian couples can increase their chances of having a successful marriage.

Goal

The general goal of this paper is to: influence ministers to teach the importance of pre-marital counseling, so that Christian couples can increase their chances of having a successful marriage. Specifically to direct the couples toward positive role models before problems occur after marriage.  After analyzing the pros and cons of pre-marital counseling, versus after marriage counseling, ministers will be able to relate the use of teaching styles and how they can help change behavioral patterns.

Introduction

The ability to learn has a direct impact on the possibility of a marital relationship succeeding. If both partners are increasing their education, then they are more apt to be willing to adjust their own behavior in order to conform to a marriage. Once two individuals are joined together in matrimony their life styles, as a single identity, become the identity of two individual with a single purpose.  To be successful as a married couple the understanding of this joint singleness must be taught and understood prior to the marriage-taking place. These changes to surrounding become overwhelming if there are no pre-adjustments.

Instructional Strategies

Using the theories of behavior learning, what was learned before marriage, based on their father’s and mother’s marriage, we find these pre-conditions have a direct impact on the marriages chance of success. The cognitive theory, although similar to behavior learning, creates a backdrop for changing the old behavior patterns. Introducing new ideas in an organized way so that both partners are able to relate to the changes required which were formed from the behavior of one or both of their parents. If the parents were positive role models, then both behavior teachings and cognitive teaching of how to handle joint singleness created by marriage, focusing on a single purpose and the marriages chance of success are greatly enhanced.

It is not to say that coming from broken homes will automatically mean failure of marriage, but it is an indicator. Because of these learned behavior traits passed down by the parents, a couple will need to focus on what is considered correct behavior and what is required to create a positive environment for a successful marriage.

As marriage counselors we would need to understand not just how to repair a marriage relationship that is failing or has problems but also to address the cause of the problem. Learned behavior patterns are established before a child is three years old. We can see by the child’s behavior the actions of the parent. We need to first address this past behavior by making the potential couple aware of the access baggage they are carrying prior to them becoming married.

Couples learning what behavior styles they have based on their surrounding while they were in their youth will allow them to adjust their behavior for the single purpose of marriage without losing their own independence.

This is not inferring that broken homes mean broken marriages, but that the images you have of a relationship between a man and a woman can have a lasting effect on your own behavior after you are married. Because of this possibility, the couple’s behavior after marriage maybe influence toward negative behaviors. Reconditioning can prevent, or at the least, give the couple tools to work with after marriage.

As a marriage counselor and a Christian Minister, it is our responsibility to address the cause before the couple becomes another statistic. We need to understand not just how to repair or provide direction to married couples. We must also have the knowledge of the important lessons learned in teaching new information, not only to the young or students of the educational/secular world, but also to the ministers of our congregation and theological schools.

Discussion

A Pastor does not need to be a therapist to teach children how to behave in class while he/she is giving Bible instruction. They do need to understand how to keep their attention and they need to be able to present the material so that the students will grasp and absorb the information. These same teaching skills as taught by Dale H Schunk (2000) in the book Learning Theories an Educational Perspective can be applied to adults in pre-marriage counseling classes: “Researchers have many perspectives on development:  biological, psychoanalytic, behavior, cognitive, and contextual. Regardless of perspective, certain issues exist that developmental theories address including the role of heredity, the stability of developmental periods, the continuity of processes, the role of learners activity, and the locus of developmental changes “structure or function.” Schunk (2000). Being able to teach new ideas is required regardless of the material being taught. But how do we go about this if all we know is the Word? Is it enough to stand up in front of a congregation on Sunday and say, “What would Jesus do”? This writer found that knowing what was correct did not work at all times because this writer was unaware of how to apply the knowledge in a marriage.

Although having taught marriage encounter classes and having first hand experience it occurred that there must be a Better Way. The Way is to understand what took place in ones’ own childhood, which had a positive or negative effect on the relationships that failed. Once the potential couple is able to identify with their own past, they can start creating new information in their long-term memory (LTM). Replacing the old information in their working memory or short-term memory (WM) Learning Theories, Schunk (2000). The author of this article also interviewed 1000 women and asked them would they allow men back in the home as the male role model Foundation Of God’s House, Frederick (2001). This research showed that the majority of those interviewed had preconceived notions and that before men would be allowed back into their homes they would need to convince the women that they have changed their ways. The behavior patterns of men were established within the mind of these women and research indicated that re-education would be needed prior to these women or men getting married or re-married.

In the Holy Bible Fenton (1903) I Corinthians 7:3 “–each man should have his own wife; and each woman should have her own husband. The husband does his duty to his wife; and the wife to her husband.” How would this be possible if the couple were not aware of the goals or thoughts of the other? Proverbs 11:14 “without a guide a people falls, but is saved by plenty of counsel.” Pre-marriage counseling opens the door to the understanding, prior to the commitment of marriage. Matthew 19:5-6 “A man shall leave his father and mother, and shall cling to his wife, and they two shall become as one person? They are therefore no longer two, but a single body.” Since marriage is to unite the couple as one then they must have oneness in purpose.

The author of this article chose the two references: Hope Focused Marriage Counseling, Worthington (1999) and Boundaries in Marriage, Cloud and Townsend (1999), as two examples of how many marriage counselors address the issue of marriage. Treating the problem, Daniel 5:15 “Daniel was brought in front of the king to read the writing on the wall,(the problem) now the scientists, and enchanters, have been brought to me to read that inscription and explain its meaning, but they are not able to explain the meaning of the phenomenon.” after the marriage not the cause. Daniel 5:23-25 “-but you have exalted yourself against the Lord of the Heavens and have brought the cups of His House out to yourself, who neither see, nor hear nor know,”- “but you have not thanked the God in Whose hand your breath is, and Who knows all your ways; from Whom, also, was sent the part of a hand that affixed this inscription, and this is the inscription that is affixed.” Unfortunately this author could not find anyone that addressed the need of pre-marriage counseling. After having read these two books, along with several others, it became clear that there is a need for a book addressing pre-marriage counseling techniques. While taking a course in Education this author was reading Learning Theories, Schunk (2000) and what was being taught to teachers for motivating, training and changing behaviors. This book opens up a means for Pastors to use as a guide for pre-marriage counseling.

Activity

Throughout the book Learning Theories, Schunk (2002) the reader will find many models, which can enhance pre-marriage counseling. Combining these models with the Holy Bible, ministers will be able to oversee and facilitate couples to a better understanding of what to expect in marriage. Being equipped with, “the way I was and changing it to the way we are,” will allow the couple to have a better understanding of what to expect after they are married. The need for understanding, who will provide food, shelter and clothing, is only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to marriage. (see appendix). Additional question needing to be discussed can include but not limited to: Where will they live, what religion will the family follow. 2ND Corinthians 6:14 “of mixed marriages become not unequally connected with unbelievers: for what partnership is there between righteousness and lawlessness?” Which partner will work or both, who will take care of the children when they come, and for that matter do they want children, if there are children from previous marriages and how will the couple handle the care of these children? The questions needing to be ask and discussed are endless. A good facilitator will have a list ready. Over a period of several sessions with different couples, these facilitators will add to their list new questions, discuss each question, and solve them before marriage. This will help the couple to have a better understanding. The two major questions will deal with finance and sex. How this is handled can make or break a relationship. Most couples would not want to open a joint bank account before marriage, but they will want to have a physical relationship to find out if they are compatible physically as well as emotionally. Being able to discuss this and knowing how they are going to handle these two issues should be a focal point in pre-marriage counseling.

Individuals enter a marriage usually for the wrong reasons: food, shelter and clothing, in addition to companionship. Maslow ‘s theory becomes part of this equation, however when the first four needs are met these individuals who had a single purpose become divided due to their fifth hierarchical need self-actualization. These couples have met all of their basic needs and now want their own recognition. The couples stop focusing on improving what they have jointly done and strive for their own self-improvement.  Prior to marriage, couples should be aware of each other’s long term goals and each should assist the other not only after marriage but also before. Not being aware of the individuals needs for self-improvement will be devastating to the marriage.

Positive thoughts about yourself and your partner come about when unconditional love is bestowed upon your partner.  Ethical behavior and oneness of direction is caused by positive feedback. When we give fully of ourselves with no pre-conditions our partner will want to accept our love with no strings attached. Philippians 2:2-4 “fill my joy full; so that you may agree in thought, possessing the same love, intending with united hearts the same object. Never in self-seeking nor through vain-glory; but, on the contrary, with good feeling considering others in preference to yourselves, not each scheming for himself, but rather each for others.”

Desexualizing

Desexualizing in our society has become a major topic. Daily we read about women taking on greater responsibilities in the home and on the job. Women in combat are given far greater coverage then men facing the same situations. Homosexuality and the assemblies changing their stance concerning same sex marriages. Women are being taught how to be head of the household, because men have left them with no other recourse. This and more have been the consequence of men out of position. These behavioral changes reflect a society, which is out of synch with the teachings of our Lord Jesus Christ. There has been a major shift of power, where women wanted to be equal to their life partner, they now have been given far more then they desired. No longer is there a desire to have men and women together in a life relationship, but relationships have become temporary.

Women are running assemblies, shelters are increasing daily with women being abused, and foster homes have become commonplace in a society that calls for unity of the family. The first will be last and the last will be first is often found written in the Bible. We must wonder if women being the head of the household apply to this metaphor. Can we take the man out of the family and still maintain a unity or resemblance of a family? How do we change the new behavior that we are seeing through out the world?

Children are given birth by male and female, whether this takes place by physical interaction or by sperm donors the facts are that the woman’s egg must be fertilized by sperm from a like male species. From the beginning of time before the transgression women has been part of man. By the transgression women gave birth by the male sperm impregnating the egg. This simplification is not to simplify the problem but to emphases God’s intent. In the Old Testament we read that men were to be punished for their disobedience to God. Men’s transactions have continued to this day. But a new era is upon us, small and large ministries are searching for the Truth the Way and the Light.

Understanding why men and women are out of position is required if we are to understand and teach pre-marital counseling. Today is the day the Lord has made in this we can rejoice. As this writer increasing his theological knowledge he has also expanded his knowledge concerning now to change the behavior of adults prior to marriage. This paper is and should be required reading for ministries before they join together a man and a women. Behavior science has done the same with children and adults as marriage councilors have done with a failing marriage. They each have treated a problem without searching for the cause. The cause is men out of position.

One of the methods required to re-teach our men and women can be found in the study of Cognitive Psychology. Cognitive Psychology is a theoretical perspective that focuses on understanding human perception, thought, and memory. (Bruning 2004) In the past councilors were observing behavior and what stimulated a certain behavior. When some one was thirty they drank water. This inference is made because if one is abused they leave the abuser and so on. The cause is the thirst or in the case of the one being abused the abuser. We retain information in our long term memory (LTM) which is recalled or brought to the surfaces by behavior or environmental changes, these changes cause us to react based on our past experience with the same stimulants. If we had loving and caring parent’s chances are we will find a partner that is also loving and caring. But if in our LTM we remember sexual abuse, violence and our broken home, we will also being this behavior into the new relationship. The cause then is not our new partner but is what took place before we entered into the relationship.

Everything that had occurred in our past is maintained in this place called LTM these events are brought forth by seniors that activate the working memory (WM). We cannot stop the process or the recalling of these negative occurs, what we can do with training is provide more pleasant recall information then negative. If being physically touched causes someone to withdraw due to sexual abuse, love and tenderness can create a pleasant sensation, which over time replaces or lessens the negativism from past causes.

A minister can easily quote scriptures, giving reasons why a man and a woman should remain together, but these verses do not take away the pain and hurt that these couples have been though before they met one and another. Searching for the truth is not just for the understanding of scriptures but councilors must also seek those truths, which are part of the behavior of the intended couple. We as ministers teach the Bible though what God has given us though our ability to discern the Spirit of the Holy of Holies. We call upon Jesus Christ to intercede; yet we have no ideal what He is to intercede for.

Many ministers will wait to teach counseling and instruct couples after the fact. While preparing to write this paper, this writer has been learning teaching strategies and learning styles by going to graduate school for a Master Degree in Education. The requirements for teaching are the same requirements needed for counselors. If the couple is not motivated to change their behavior then the councilor can not be effective in his/her counseling of the couple. The presentation is the same. A councilor must be prepared to present a clear beginning and end to their counseling sessions. Even though each couple is different the counselor’s goals never change. A pre-marital council is to bring forward all those thoughts that are hided away in their LTM. Once the couple learns about each they can face how to positively re-enforce good behavior and how to understand bad behavior.

Cognitive Psychology and the understanding of what motivates each individual give the councilor tools that he/she did not have in the past. In understanding the way we learn, think, store information and recall past information. When the environment causes us to recall past events, they can be both good and bad. The bad things that we recall are usually the reasons why counseling is needed after marriage.

Just as we are unable to do more then one or two task at a time, we also can only learn so much. A councilor who gives multiple assignments or who does not understand these limitations will confuse the couple being counseled. The couple will not associate the problems as the councilors but will blame themselves for their failure to make positive changes.

Counseling today’s couples is a greater responsibility then it was twenty years ago. The complexity of our environment has caused rapid changes, children are growing up faster and families need the income from dual sources. No longer can we wait to council couples after marriage. The Pastor/Councilor’s role has changed, as has society. There is a greater need for these men and women to seek greater education and understanding of how the mind works. It is their responsibility to know their own limitations and provide the couple with spiritual support and not marriage counseling advice. Marriage councilors spend years educating themselves yet less then 20% of all couples counseled leave and end with a successful marriage.

Cognitive Counseling[Soft Break][Soft Break]Definition[Soft Break]Cognitive counseling is based on the idea that metacognition–or being aware of one’s own thinking processes–fosters independence in learning. By providing personal insights into the learner’s own thinking processes, cognitive councilors build flexible, confident problem-solving skills. Plus, they encourage self-efficacy and pride.

Basic Elements of Cognitive counseling involves the modeling of self-appraisal and the self-management of cognition by an expert. It also involves learner performance and reflection, internalizing, and generalizing.

In modeling, the instructor explains thinking, reading, and calculating strategies by naming the strategy (such as “eliminating alternatives” or “finding the main idea”), then explaining why it should be learned. The counselor also provides explicit steps for using a particular strategy, deciding when it’s appropriate, and evaluating it.

Dialogue, both on the part of counselor and individual being counseled, is another prominent aspect of coaching. For example, in the “scaffolded instruction” technique, counselor and the couple take turns leading dialogues about texts, asking each other to predict, question, clarify, summarize, and self-appraise. Common goals held by counselor and the couple. Ongoing assessment of performance is done in order to adjust difficulty levels.

Mutual regulation–in other words, counselors benefit from the couple’s misconceptions and observations of the strategies, while the couples learn from their counselor’s previous experience using the strategies

In summary the pre-marriage counseling session will only be as good as the facilitator. The facilitator must have at his/her disposal all the tools available. Not only from the scriptures but also from experience and formal training. We as ministers are given a responsibility to unite families and to keep marriages together. The major reason for, Men’s Awareness Programs, is to MAP a better future for our next generation. By teaching men how to fish we feed the whole family, by training couples before marriage we keep them together. When our expectation; are positive then we will perceive the future to be positive and our marriage will have a better chance of success.   By focusing on each couple as the one that can make a difference, we are doing God’s work as He commissioned us.

References

Dale H. Schunk. (2000). Learning Theories, New Jersey: Prentice-Hall,  Inc.

Destiny Publishers.

Dr. Henry Cloud/Dr. John Townsend. (1999) Boundaries in Marriage. Grand Rapids

Michigan: Rondervan.

Everett L. Worthington Jr. (1999). Hope Focused Marriage Counseling, Downers Grove,

Illinois: Intervarsity Press.

Charles Frederick. (2001) Foundation of  God’s House, Fort Lauderdale, Florida: